Sunday, July 28, 2013

My Geeky First Times.
A league of extraordinary bloggers post.

It’s no secret that I’m a suave, debonair “geek-about-town.” It’s been that way for a long time and I’ve become quite accustomed to the lifestyle.
I can send chills up a retro console system’s spine just by entering a cheat code. It works every time…isn’t even hard.

At a comic convention, I can leave with any trade paperback I want regardless of who she showed up with.

I’ve literally had vintage action figures fight over me. It’s embarrassing but let’s face it. It’s pretty hot.

Despite the walking geek catnip you see before you today I have some shocking news. It wasn’t always like this. Like the rest of you there was a time that my “encounters” with geek pop culture were my first times. And even for me, first times can be crushing, scarring and so humiliating that there is nothing else to do but recount the awkward and embarrassing moments in a blog!

My first time with Video Games.

It was a dark and stormy night. No seriously it was dark and stormy. At four years old I was a mere claymation were pup and woke up, scared by the thunder. The house was totally dark and silent. I walked the halls yelling for my parents who were nowhere to be found. Beginning to panic, I eventually made my way to the front door and walked out into the yard of our apartment complex. Somewhere between my wandering and sobbing I somehow attracted the attention of my parents who were at our neighbors, two houses down.  The neighbors had invited my parents over for a night of fun playing their brand new Atari home video game system!

By all accounts my parents had a great time. The Atari was new! Exiting! And it was the first one on the block! It was the kind of thing that would change the way that my parents looked at home gaming! It mesmerized them! They loved it so much that nothing could distract them from the Atari experience. Even an abandoned, and frightened child.

My first time with a Haunted House:

Children of my generation watched a lot of horror movies. We weren’t so protected back then. I consider the 1980’s  the silver age of horror. The slasher movement was in full force and kids loved it. We not only liked the movies, we idolized the monsters themselves. Jason Vorhees, Michael Myers and Freddy Krueger were pop culture superstars! I saw things no differently and had a bedroom covered with posters of my favorite homicidal maniacs, both homemade and carefully removed from issues of Fangoria and mad monster party.
One would thing with that kind of appreciation for the darker side of life that if I were given the chance to come face to face with my favorite monsters I would be overjoyed! My parents thought I would when they drove me to a local haunted house that featured the monsters of my favorite movies.

As I walked the haul of the haunt each door opened, revealing a killer ready to strike. It was a blur of hockey masks knives and chainsaws, at least for the first couple of seconds before I looked down and clenched my eyes shut. For good. All the way home I hated myself and re-lived me defeat. I imagined going through the haunted house again with a bunch of fake weapons. This time I would scare them! I wouldn’t let fear control me ever again! It was time to do things my way.
I never set foot in another haunted house for 15 years.

My first time with Action Figures.

Picture it. I was back at that apartment complex that I mentioned in the story about my parents abandoning me for a video game. I had a friend that lived a few apartments down named Dwight. Dwight was the best. He was five years older than me and I thought he was just about the coolest guy around.
He listened to cool music. He dressed cool and he had really cool toys that I had never seen before. They were called Masters of the Universe! I had never seen the action figures or even the cartoon but it was love at first sight! The armor, the weapons the awesome vehicles and weird mutant bad guys. Because he was so cool Dwight let me borrow a huge portion of his collection and I got to take them home for the night and play with them. What Dwight hadn’t counted on was that I was a chewer and within a short time I had flattened the fingers of several of the Eternian warriors.
My parents were humiliated and had to buy Dwight all new He-Man toys. On the plus side I got to keep the ruined action figures and that experience set my love of action figures into action. It was also the first time I got a real taste for Masters Of The Universe. Taste. See what I did there?

So…there it is. My fumbling awkward first times with geekdom. It was tough to relive those moments but now that I’ve done it, it feels pretty liberating. But enough about my inexperienced past. Lets talk about my VERY experienced present.

Oh and to those limited edition Monster Cereal Bobble-heads I see across the room? I’ve been noticing you noticing me.

How you doin‘?

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Perfect Strangers the Animated Series!

After a huge bit of good fortune (stemming from the online sale of a mint condition 1978 Fisher Price "Little People's Tatooine Playset", Brian at Cool and Collected is now flush with money.

This puts him in a rather unique position to make several rather risky business decisions with no real concern for whether they succeed or fail. He has, of course decided to bring back the intellectual properties that are to be hand picked by the member of the league of extraordinary bloggers.
Not wanting to waste this opportunity, I knew exactly the property that needed a revival. A show long since off the air but still playing in prime time in all of our hearts.

Perfect Strangers.

I know they tried to bring Perfect Strangers back twice already but each time it was attempted by television professionals...and what do they know. There is a time and a place for everything and the proper time for a Perfect Strangers renewal wasn't in the early's right now. Besides, ABC never tried to bring it back the way I'm going to do it, as an animated series!

                                           These guys are ready America!!

Here's the pitch:

""The Mediterranean, Island Nation of Mypos has recently discovered that they sit directly on top of one of the largest natural helium reserves in the world and every citizen becomes an instant millionaire. Free to travel from the boundaries of their quaint shepherding island, the citizens can't wait to see the world. And freshly invigorated by the wave of 80's sitcoms that had just now made their way to their country the first place the want to visit is America.

Alarmed by the sudden explosion in travel visa applications from Mypos, the department of tourism tracks down and hires the single only other resident of the nation to ever come to the United States, Balki Bartokomus. 
Larry Appleton, hesitant to take the new job, until he sees the salary, agrees to join Balki in DC as his assistant. 

Larry's hesitation soon turns to outright dread when he discovers the realities of the job. Dozens of naive and filthy rich members of the island nation of Mypos with no concept of dishonest people and an understanding of American culture straight out of "Mr Belvedere" and "Who's the Boss." And they were all Balki and Larry's responsibility.

As if the common everyday cheats and criminals werent enough of a threat to the money of the Mypos tourists (and job security of our heroes) there was an even bigger danger. A lobbyist, CEO and all-around corporate slime-ball by the name of Bob Executive lived with one goal in mind; to see exactly HOW easily a fool and his money are parted. Seeing the new visitors as not only walking ATM's but a pathway for his company to steal the helium right from under their country's nose.
Balki and Larry have to guide the confused and enthusiastic Myposian Millionaires through the incredible sights and sounds of America, make sure they have a great time (and don't get robbed blind in the process.)""

                  "It's like Mr Bean, meets the Beverly Hillbillies meets Coming to America!"

         With the fluidity of Animation the story lines for this show   are virtually endless! 

**A Mypos storyteller begins to strike up a conversation during a meeting of congress and accidentally filibusters for 32 hours gaining the national spotlight and becoming a political hero for every party!

**The boys take some Mypos tourists to the grand canyon, only to find that they stage a daring midnight raid to free all the guide mules!

**A well loved Mypos folk musician visits America and becomes the biggest thing to hit the hipster music scene since The Neptunes! Can Balki and Larry keep the fame (and women) from going to this wide-eyed idealists head? ...and more importantly can the make any money off of the merchandising?

There are dozens more but I don't wanna give this stuff away! Am I right?

The oppourtunity for merch is just as amazing. I'm seeing Mypos tee shirft, Mypos messenger bags and so on, not to mention all the 80's slang gear we can church out with the whole "they are all still living in 1980's America" thing!

Hot Topic is basically going to become a Perfect Strangers store...that's what I'm trying to say.

I am so excited at the opportunity to bring back this long deserving property that I just want to...

ah! You know!

Meanwhile, at League Of Extraordinary Bloggers Headquarters!!

Kevin at Team Hellions wants to bring back local childrens television hosts and I totally agree (loved those!)/

Friday, May 31, 2013

Radio Free Werewolf

Our Loyal Fans, Fellow Coo~Coo Cola Cult Members, Sick And Twisted Internet Fiends:

It is finally here.

Radio Free Werewolf! 

That lovely little mic banner on the right side of your screen will take you to our newest addition to the wacky, wild and woolly world of Claymation Werewolf! You've read CW's blogs and marveled at his witty illustrations! Now tremble in fear as he hijacks your airwaves... or Internet waves..... whatever.

Yes~! Tis true! Now you too can enjoy the dulcet tones of our very own Claymation Werewolf;
(And occasionally me, phishbon3s) as CW and I quest host on several awesome podcasts! And will be regular guests on McCoy Cast's 80's Anthologies: Episode By Episode.

So sit back, relax and enjoy a little howling from CW and friends!


Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Why this, Not that?

The world plays favorites. There I said it; someone had to. There is very little reason in history why some things succeed while others fail. I know what you're saying, What about survival of the fittest?

Well, before you start spouting off the hair-brained theories of some weirdo on an island trying to make a name for himself, let me just nip it in the bud. Most of the time, the difference between becoming a legend and a loser is all up to the fickle hands of fate.

Ahem! I say, The fickle HANDS OF FATE!

Thank you.

I can see that a distinguishing blog reader like yourself is going to need a little further convincing. Well, I am happy to help. There are virtually endless examples of cultural "natural selection" selecting about as unnaturally as one could imagine!

How else besides sheer chance could you explain how two barely lingual man-beasts like Stallone and Schwarzenegger

become Hollywood royalty, while a talented (and brilliant) male specimen of Adonis proportion like Mr Miles O'Keeffe is regulated to being a mere footnote in cinema history!

Why Does Circuit City close while Best Buy remains open ( the moment anyway)? They were virtually the same exact store! Do people just prefer blue to red?

Ponderosa and Bonanza were both huge players in the competitive "Below average steak/buffet places named after the western television show Bonanza" market in the 1980's. Somehow Ponderosa remains a thriving place where seniors can have a steak, baked potato and then finish off a buffet meal with a piece of pie from a rotating pie-fridge.

While Bonanza is a place they can only remember doing those things in.

Rally's lives, Daddy'o's goes bye-bye.

Arbys is still around but Rax says "see ya later, alligator"

There were once THREE chefs on the Cinnamon Toast Crunch box but now only one still remains. Why?

...Okay to be fair the grey haired guy killed the other two but I think my point still stands.

They still make trading cards of just about everything on earth but do you see POGS anywhere? Do you???

Comedy legend Chevy Chase bombs with his show on late night TV but a walking cure for joy like David Letterman is in his 86th (approximate) year!? What gives?

The Star Trek property seems destined to last forever while great new sci-fi shows like Farscape and Firefly get unceremoniously kicked to the curb!

Why does Count Chockula deserve to be on store shelves year round, when Boo Berry and Franken Berry (no relation) are only around during Halloween? Even worse, Fruit Brute and Fruity Yummy Mummy stop getting made altogether!

                                                        Illustration, courtesy of Tom Krohne (Monster Fink)

Why does My Little Pony get to have the fiercely loyal adult following? Why not Littlest Pet Shop?

Mad Magazine and Cracked Magazine were both personal favorites of mine as a kid. Today, Mad is still just as Mad as ever! Alfred E Newman still isn't worrying and those fold pictures still rule!

And What became of Cracked? It went from a funny magazine to the worlds first completely list based pseudo humor website!

Sega and Nintendo shared a mutual hatred only rivaled in the corporate world by Coke and Pepsi. Apparently though despite all of its trash talk...

Nintendo was chosen. And where are we today? Well, Take a look.

This my friends, is not okay.

None of this is okay and none of it is fair.

Why BluRay over HD DVD?

Again, it must be our national preference of Blue over Red (aside from the whole Mario Versus Sonic thing I just mentioned...though, Mario wears a lot of Blue too and Sonic DOES have those giant red tennis shoes...)

Everybody said Beta max was better...why did VHS win (besides the whole porn thing I mean)

Speaking of the better man not winning, I don't know how many people I've spoken to in my life who brushed their scarf to one side, crossed their skinny-jean clad legs, lowered their fake, black rimmed glasses and said "CW, I hate Disney and I have always preferred the Looney Toons characters to The Disney Characters. They're better written and much funnier!" Apparently, none of these cartoon hipsters feel like putting their viewing where there mouths are though. Disney adds to their gold mine with each and everything they produce!

While over in Looney Toons world...

I swear every crazy attempt... reviving the property...

is met with a bigger failure than the time before!

It's honestly like there's someone over at Warner Brothers holding Looney Toons by its ankles shaking it and saying "Darn it, I know there's some money in there somewhere!!"

And there you have it. I could go on and on with examples both blatantly unfair and/or simply puzzling but I think I've made my point. And besides, I have to get back to blogging. I have to try to stay on the bleeding edge of pop culture relevancy. I have no way of knowing when the curious hands of fate might come out of nowhere and make me just disappear.
...And neither my friends, do any of you!

Meanwhile, at League of Extraordinary Bloggers Headquarters!!!

Daniel at thirtyish year old boy does the unthinkable and DEFENDS JAR JAR BINKS! I for one admire his courage and will fondly remember him after the torch wielding geek mob are finished with their grim work.

Personally as a big kaiju fan, I give my full support to the awesome idea submitted by Newt at Infinite Hollywood: "War Of The Gargantuans" Action Figures!!

 While I may not fully understand the pictorial post submitted by Kal over at Calvin's Canadian Cave of Cool, I have to say that after seeing the name of his blog (amazing) then reading the blog description (hilarious) and the header image (indescribebly epic) I read some of the other posts and they are fantastic! Run, don't walk to this site!